Restroom and Fig Leaf

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should ..."

"Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said,

"Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place.

Now, how about that drink?"

Sister Mathematical Vs Sister Logical

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

Prison Escapee

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

"If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

Dinner Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent familyand during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able tointroduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out..

Tom As Hen

Tom, like always; kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep.
All of a sudden, in the middle of the night, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What are you doing in my bedroom?... and who the hell are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom." the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you're in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young." said Tom,

"I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy." said St.Peter.

"You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.
But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about." he said,

"How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my @ss is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster,

"That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow!" Tom said, "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout,

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're sh!ttin' all over the bed!"

Beauty & The Beast

Beauty and the beastBY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 1, 1998.)If you're a man, at some point a woman will ask you how she looks."How do I look?" she'll ask.You must be careful how you answer this question. The best techniqueis to form an honest yet sensitive opinion, then collapse on the floorwith some kind of fatal seizure. Trust me, this is the easiest wayout. Because you will never come up with the right answer.
The problem is that women generally do not think of their looks in thesame way that men do. Most men form an opinion of how they look inseventh grade, and they stick to it for the rest of their lives. Somemen form the opinion that they are irresistible stud muffins, and theydo not change this opinion even when their faces sag and their nosesbloat to the size of eggplants and their eyebrows grow together toform what appears to be a giant forehead-dwelling tropicalcaterpillar.

Most men, I believe, think of themselves as average-looking. Men willthink this even if their faces cause heart failure in cattle at arange of 300 yards. Being average does not bother them; average isfine, for men. This is why men never ask anybody how they look. Theirprimary form of beauty care is to shave themselves, which isessentially the same form of beauty care that they give to theirlawns.

If, at the end of his four-minute daily beauty regimen, a man hasmanaged to wipe most of the shaving cream out of his hair and is notbleeding too badly, he feels that he has done all he can, so he stopsthinking about his appearance and devotes his mind to more criticalissues, such as the Super Bowl.

Women do not look at themselves this way. If I had to express, inthree words, what I believe most women think about their appearance,those words would be: "not good enough." No matter how attractive awoman may appear to be to others, when she looks at herself in themirror, she thinks: woof.

She thinks that at any moment a municipal animal-control officer isgoing to throw a net over her and haul her off to the shelter.
Why do women have such low self-esteem? There are many complexpsychological and societal reasons, by which I mean Barbie. Girls growup playing with a doll proportioned such that, if it were a human, itwould be seven feet tall and weigh 81 pounds, of which 53 pounds wouldbe bosoms.

This is a difficult appearance standard to live up to, especially whenyou contrast it with the standard set for little boys by their dolls... excuse me, by their action figures. Most of the action figuresthat my son played with when he was little were hideous-looking. Forexample, he was very fond of an action figure (part of the He-Manseries) called "Buzz-Off," who was part human, part flying insect.Buzz-Off was not a looker. But he was extremely self-confident. Youcould not imagine Buzz-Off saying to the other action figures: "Doyou think these wings make my hips look big?"

But women grow up thinking they need to look like Barbie, which formost women is impossible, although there is a multibillion-dollarbeauty industry devoted to convincing women that they must try. I oncesaw an Oprah show wherein supermodel Cindy Crawford dispensed makeuptips to the studio audience. Cindy had all these middle-aged womenapplying beauty products to their faces; she stressed how important itwas to apply them in a certain way, using the tips of their fingers.All the woman dutifully did this, even though it was obvious to anysane observer that, no matter how carefully they applied theseproducts, they would never look remotely like Cindy Crawford, who issome kind of genetic mutation.

I'm not saying that men are superior. I'm just saying that you're notgoing to get a group of middle-aged men to sit in a room and applycosmetics to themselves under the instruction of Brad Pitt, in hopesof looking more like him. Men would realize that this task waspointless and demeaning. They would find some way to bolster theirself-esteem that did not require looking like Brad Pitt. They wouldsay to Brad: "Oh YEAH? Well what do you know about LAWN CARE, prettyboy?"

Of course, many women will argue that the reason they become obsessedwith trying to look like Cindy Crawford is that men, being as shallowas a drop of spit, WANT women to look that way. To which I have tworesponses:
1. Hey, just because WE'RE idiots, that doesn't mean YOU have to be; and2. Men don't even notice 97 percent of the beauty efforts you makeanyway. Take fingernails. The average woman spends 5,000 hours peryear worrying about her fingernails; I have never once, in more than40 years of listening to men talk about women, heard a man say, "Shehas a nice set of fingernails!" Many men would not notice if a womanhad upward of four hands.

Anyway, to get back to my original point: If you're a man, and a womanasks you how she looks, you're in big trouble. Obviously, you can'tsay she looks bad. But you also can't say that she looks great,because she'll think you're lying, because she has spent countlesshours, with the help of the multibillion-dollar beauty industry,obsessing about the differences between herself and Cindy Crawford.Also, she suspects that you're not qualified to judge anybody'sappearance. This is because you have shaving cream in your hair.

Theory & Practice

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.

Practice is when something works, but you don't know why.

Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don't know why .